A Radical Act of Self-Love
Chaos is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I've spoken a little bit about my relationship to chaos in this post.
To recap: When the divorce was finally over and I was able to relax again, once I eventually found my new normal, I noticed a relief in chaos. It opened my eyes to a new way of living. It showed me that there is a whole other way of doing life and it doesn't make my heart erupt in my chest! There's emotional space for my mind to relax. There's room for me to breath.
It feels really good... and now that I know that life can be like this, I want more! And I'm recognizing some key areas that, I myself, am perpetuating chaos. As I mentioned in my previous post (linked above), chaos is something I became comfortable and familiar with at a young age. In some ways the comfortability of chaos kept me in a cycle of continuing these circumstances in my life. But in a lot of other ways, I am naturally predisposed to disorder.
I think we all have that friend - the one who seems to always be running a little bit late. She's brilliant and also disorganized. She's high-energy, funny and she definitely marches to the beat of her own drum. She may not be the one with color-coded notebooks but she gets shit done, just in her own way... Yup, that's me! And that's who I'll always be. I am the antithesis of type A. I love my fun-loving, bright and positive personality! But it does invite some additional chaos... like when I misplace an important piece of mail... or my car keys.
Being as gentle with myself as possible - yes, it is very easy for me to feel like I'm "less than" in this area. "My space is a mess" can quickly translate to "I am a mess", transferring an observation about my surroundings to a judgment about my character - I want to move toward creating systems that work for me and that will allow me to stay organized and sane! In saying goodbye to my ex and standing up for myself and my mental health, I've turned a page. I've started a new chapter. A chapter where I have begun radically loving and accepting myself. I've never lived my life with this much empowerment and I want to carry that into this little corner that can use some attention and intention: my disorganization.
I cherish this new since of calmness in my home and in my heart and I want my physical space to mirror and support my emotional state. So, I'm going to put a lot of effort in the coming months to help myself out in this area! I'm going to set up my office space in a way that will encourage my productivity and organization. I'm going to designate a specific spot for my keys and my wallet. I'm even going to get my sock drawer in order! I want to sustain the calm and safe energy that I see growing in me and my house. And I want to create systems to help me get out of my own way.
Doing all of this without self-judgment and self-shame will be one radical act of self-love. It will not only help me strengthen some muscles of love and acceptance in an area of myself that I have struggled to accept, but I hope it will also set me up for success!